Tag: Abandonment

Abandonment

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My fear of abandonment has reach new and as of yet unknown heights. I just woke up from a dream in which I met a person again after not having seen him in twenty years. He made a big impression on me while growing up and when I asked him if we could stay in touch, confronted me with the cold reality that we probably wouldn’t. Now that I’m awake and analysing my dream, it makes perfect sense that we wouldn’t and I’m actually quite fine with that, but in the dream I was more than a little devastated.

I think my devastation in the dream might be the unvarnished, naked truth of how I really feel while my healthier, emotionally distant opinion now that I’m awake, might just be all my learned responses kicking in to help me deal.

Entangled

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It never ceases to amaze me just how entangled my life has become with certain people. Knowing that I’ve lost them, am in the process of losing them, or will lose them in the future fills me an almost crippling fear.

I’ve always been afraid to be abandoned, to be left or to end up lonely, even though I’m very good at being alone. One of the first dreams I remember having was one in which I was being left by my parents while walking back from school. I can’t have been more than six years old at the time.

It’s been the reason for a lot of my behaviour, both good and bad. I hope people won’t judge me too harshly.

Fear

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I slept poorly for the last hour or two, this morning. I was restless due to recurring bad dreams. This time it was a variation of an oldie, but a goodie; rejection and abandonment. Interestingly enough it featured an unusual cast of people and about halfway through the dream merged with a recurring bad dream I’ve had since I was about seven years old. Let’s hope that tonight will be a bit better.