Journal

I had the strangest dream last night, and I’ve been unable to shake it. It certainly doesn’t help that I don’t quite remember everything, just a few select scenes from the dream. I remember I woke up in an alley with someone standing over me. I think it was a man, but I can’t be sure. Eva is standing behind him, pushing and kicking him, but he doesn’t seem to be affected by it. He shoots me in the chest and leaves. Eva drags me to a car and I lose consciousness. When I wake up, I’m in an old apartment that reminds me of the room where Neo first meets Morpheus and I’m bleeding heavily. Sam is there now, too, and she is trying to convince Eva not to bring me to the hospital. It’s all kind of blurry, and at a certain point I’m being moved while people around me – more than just Eva and Sam – are starting to yell at one another as the debate about what to do with me is heating up. I’m not really sure how it all ends. Weird, weird, weird and not entirely pleasant, either.

Valentine’s Day + 1 is much more important.

I feel homeless. I’m not without a roof over my head, but I do feel a sincere lack of a sanctuary in my life. Every time I think I’ve got some place to rest something happens to show me what a laughable delusion that was.

This weekend saw the triumphant return of gaming, which went really very well, considering how long it’s been since we all gamed last. Participation was high, dialogue was good, and things are shaping up rather well. Then, when I finally got home, I had some time to devote to the ending of BioShock, which was much anticipated and has, over the last week or two, given me some alleviation from the worries of the daily grind. Sadly, I was a little dissatisfied with the ending, as it was too simple to defeat Fontaine, the last enemy that stands between you and freedom. Even though I had rescued all the Little Sisters that were available in the game, not nearly getting the amount of Adam you’re supposed to get when you harvest them, I was completely maxed out as I walked into the last level, and I gave Fontaine a beat-down that was bordering on felonious. The end of game cinematic was also a tad dissatisfying; simple, short, and not that great quality to begin with. Luckily, the game, its atmosphere, visuals and story, more than made up for the disappointing ending.

In other news, BJJ is going well, though with the dormancy of the last few months due to two different injuries (rib and shoulder), it’s quite a challenge getting my cardio back en par. The warm-up was brutal, and it made the rest of the class pretty difficult for me. I got submitted left right and center, and my only submission that evening came after the class, when one of the guys asked if anyone was still willing to roll one more time before the next class started. I was happy with that, but that extra bit of effort wasn’t something that my body was happy with. I was so exhausted that I threw up when I got to Eva’s. Well, it wasn’t so much an actual throw up, but more a dry-heave/cough combo. Still, it took me a while to stop shaking, and it’s probably going to take me a while before I can go through a training without wanting to cry afterwards. I’m such a pussy.

Speaking of crying; I’ve been incredibly emotional lately. Due to various relationship difficulties, frustrating miscommunication and misunderstandings, poor sleep, some pressure at work and little time to recover and rest, my defenses have been down, and things have been getting to me lately. I thought I was heading in the right direction regarding emotional control and handling emotional matters (loss, disappointment, grief, etc.), but it seems I still have some way to go before I am back to the level I had attained pre-2007. My parents are on my mind a lot, and like my brother and sister, I’m starting to understand only now, how much stress I have been under because of it. You don’t recognise it as such because you’re so busy taking care of things, you have a goal, you don’t have time to reflect. Or perhaps you don’t give yourself time to reflect because of the fear of what you’ll find. Regardless, I find myself fragile at times, weak at other times, belligerent, stubborn, abrasive, sad, hyper, quiet, personable, grumpy and pretty much every other emotion under the sun, lately. I’m a little unstable, I suppose, but only if you’re really close to me will you see that. So to those that are, bear with me, because I am getting better, I can feel it, and I am grateful for the patience, love and support. A true friend stands the test of time.