journal.wiredreflexes.com

I was told that the following poem, written by Margaret Atwood in 1971 is very close to my own writing style. I wouldn’t be able to say that it is, or isn’t. You decide…

I don’t know if it’s the weather, the season, my hormones or just plain ole chemistry, but I’ve managed to find myself in that familiar jam again; I’m in love.

I just spent the last five days with the most beautiful woman I can imagine, having the most interesting and stimulating conversations, experiencing the most wonderful moments and making the most exciting plans. And this time I didn’t have to drag her bound and gagged into my sound proof basement either.

I love you, Moulsari.

So, I lost my job. The company are required, by law, to give me a three month notice, which they have very generously given off so I can look for another job. So I have three months off work, with full pay, including my company car, company gas card, company phone and company computer. After that they give me a “fuck off bonus” of about another month’s salary.

I’m contemplating the Royal Dutch Airforce as a next employer, either piloting Apache helicopters or F-16’s, or finding a job with Airforce Intelligence, the latter of which is more easy to get into and is more in tune with my background. The pilot position is very hard to get into – only 1 out of every 2000 applicants make the bar – but definitely worth a shot.

I’ll keep people updated.

So the company I work for – a software development and business analysis company – has been having some trouble keeping its head above water lately. All around us we can see companies much like ours dropping like flies and filling for bankruptcy seems to be the newest craze. People all over the world must have noticed it, especially in the IT industry; we are in a recession.

Our company, having a fairly solid customer base have fared fairly well compared to some other companies out there, but with the recent bankruptcy of one of our customers, and the subsequent ass-rape of not receiving a substantial amount of money from them, things have become quite hairy around here. There is less work, and the work that is out there is harder to claim since the potential customers are worried about over-investing and are hanging on to their money. The fact that there are a handful of large IT companies out there that have the financial leeway to offer their consultants at significantly reduced costs, really doesn’t help companies like mine.

We have currently made it through the first month of not making enough money to break even and people are starting to worry. Gartner Consulting Group thinks that the recission might start to look up about halfway through 2003, while our company predicts that at this rate, they’ll have to file for bankruptcy in December. They have come up with three options;

1. Voluntary downsizing your workweek from 40 hours to 32 and thereby taking a 20% cut on all your pay [including all benefits.]
2. Lay-offs.
3. A combination of the two.

While I am not a cash-cow within my company, and I am fairly inexperienced, should it come to lay-offs, there will be a large chance I am going to be axed. They want to make a swift decision if they want to let people go, since then they’ll have some money to send them off with a good-riddance payment and end the relationship on semi-friendly terms and not tossing someone out in the cold. By friday April 26th they’ll have decided with what option to go, and will announce it to all people working here. By thursday April 25th, all people that will end up being fired will have heard.

So it’s not going to be very long until I know if I’m going to be laid off or not, and most likely they’ll give me a nice good-riddance payment that will help me through one or two months, however…what then?

You see, I don’t see myself tossing my unemployed ass on the great heap of job-seeking IT’ers that are out there at the moment. I’d rather wait until the time is a little better in order to start looking for a job that suits me a little better instead of taking whatever scraps I can get. But that might take a while, and in the meantime I’ll have to find something to support me and my expensive habits. I wouldn’t mind taking a hiatus from IT and working something completely different. Those who know me, know that I often think about what it would be like if I had chosen a completely different professional life for myself. Something like a Marine Biologist, or a bicycle repairman. Hell, I could even become a clown just like Crazy Elf…I often wonder.

Also, the thought has crossed my mind of going back to college, and getting a second degree. Although I have no fucking clue what I’d go and study, but I’d know it would be far removed from anything I know now. All this will most likely lead to a dramatic reduction in income at the least, perhaps a while of unemployment at the worst.

And while my tickets to the Bulldrek Gathering are bought and paid for by Mr. VISA, they are refundable and – if money gets tight – I might have to forego on the entire plan of coming over. Now this is all doomsday scenario thinking here, but something I have to keep in mind.

So, oh lovely Internet Community…what do you think I should do if and when I do hear that I’ve been axed?

I don’t understand why it seems to be impossible for certain people to make a decision. I guess they are afraid of something, and as far as I can see that can only be one of two things; the consequences of the decision or regretting the decision later on.

If you make a decision and you have given it enough thought, and you’ve weighed the options, and examined the possible outcome, then there is nothing for you to worry about; you made a decision based on the available information, and there was no way in hell you could’ve made a better decision. The only way you can come to regret a decision is when you didn’t have enough information to come to the best conclusion, and thus best decision, which is hardly your fault since you did all you could. Either that or you didn’t take a good look at the information presented to you in the first place, in which case you got everything you deserved.

The consequences of a decision are never fully apparent when you make the decision, you can only hypothesize as to what the outcome will be, and if you do that with some clarity, some rational thought and some emotional input, then, again, you have nothing to worry about since you made the right decision at the time.

When you are faced with several options, and those options seem to be identical in benefit and costs, then just bloody take a decision; flip a coin, arrange them alphabetically and take the first one, do whatever. But take a goddamn decision. Facts and information will not change the more you look at it, especially if you’ve examined it to the best of your ability.

I’m convinced people worry just to worry, although I have no clue why they’d do that.

Mulling over things. Constantly re-examining the information presented to you in the vain hope that it will somehow be different the fourty-seventh time you examine it, that it will somehow give you new insights this time. It all comes forth from an inborn fear of responsibility. Responsibility for your actions and it’s consequences.

Shall I have tomato soup or mushroom soup for dinner tonight? Does it really matter? No. Good, I’ll take the first thing that comes into view.