Back to Zero

I find it so hard to give up on friendships and relationships, even when they’ve ceased being healthy a long time ago. Even when I’ve long since overstayed my welcome, it feels like. But I can’t be sure whether I just feel like I’ve overstayed my welcome or if it’s just that nagging fear of rejection. It’s interesting to see what your brain keeps you occupied with in these situations, what circular reasoning it injects in order to never really know whether you need to stay or go.

~/ Should I stay or should I go now? Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble, if I stay it will be double. /~

Normally, my fear would force me to just go, force the situation in such a way that I know what’s going on, to get the ugliness over and done with. But then, because I really really really want it, and because I know I have that problem, always wanting to go to back to zero in times of difficulty, I can’t just turn my back on what could still turn out to be a great relationship. “If I can just convince them…” or “If I can just get this done…” Bah. I should just go back to zero and start all over.

Surprisingly, and this is something I feel very guilty about, I feel the same way about my mother. As long as there is hope, I’m fine, but now that there’s not, I just want to get it over with because I know it’s going to hit me really hard, and I don’t want to wait to start dealing with it. Of course, I don’t and wouldn’t want to do that to my mother, but somewhere in the back of my mind, a very self-centered part of my personality, filled with warped idea of safety and survival is begging for it. Begging for satisfaction.

Edit: Speaking of running for the hills, here’s a sad bit of depression for you.