Ego

It surprises me more and more how few people are really interested in me as a person, what I think and how I feel, than they are in getting me to fulfill a predetermined role they have cut out for me, getting whatever convenience they can get from me, or even blatantly asking me to do them favours without as much as a thank you in return. I’m beginning to reevaluate every relationship I’ve ever maintained and I am starting to wonder whether or not I’ve been taken for a ride. Lately, and you can check my journal for similar things I’ve said in the past, I feel like every other person I talk to either wants something from me, or is disappointed because I didn’t do something for them. It’s getting to the point where I’m seriously considering just telling everyone to fuck off. Friends, family, loved ones, everyone.

All I seem to get nowadays is sympathy, but no genuine understanding, and sympathy only lasts so long. I can’t turn my arse lately without angering or offending someone because I’m disappointing them, don’t live up to their expectations or not delivering on an unspoken promise I made to them. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I start to expect a few things as well as time goes by, but I don’t bail when it gets tough, or click the mute button as soon as someone wants to open up to me, and I definitely don’t get angry if and when someone doesn’t fulfill my expectations. I used to have super-high expectations of everyone around me, but somehow I managed to calm down a bit – perhaps due to disappointment – and learned not to expect to much. Perhaps I’m jaded, but I think my way works a lot better than constantly being disappointed or constantly riding someone for not coming through.

I’m becoming more and more sure of what I don’t want in my life, and with that certainty comes a certain measure of willingness to sacrifice. It’s taken me a long time to get here, and the process hasn’t always been easy or without its pain and punishment, but I’m finally getting to the point where I’ll turn around and walk away from those that continue to do me harm. I don’t need much to keep my happy, not anymore, but some understanding goes a long way. If you understand why I do things because you let me speak my mind and accept me for who I am and my ideas for what they are, then you have a friend for life. If you do it half-heartedly, and you find yourself getting frustrated that you’re not getting what you want even though I have explained myself, then we’re going to have to part ways, because you simply don’t like me very much and I’m tired of being misunderstood.