Back to Zero

I find it so hard to give up on friendships and relationships, even when they’ve ceased being healthy a long time ago. Even when I’ve long since overstayed my welcome, it feels like. But I can’t be sure whether I just feel like I’ve overstayed my welcome or if it’s just that nagging fear of rejection. It’s interesting to see what your brain keeps you occupied with in these situations, what circular reasoning it injects in order to never really know whether you need to stay or go.

~/ Should I stay or should I go now? Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble, if I stay it will be double. /~

Normally, my fear would force me to just go, force the situation in such a way that I know what’s going on, to get the ugliness over and done with. But then, because I really really really want it, and because I know I have that problem, always wanting to go to back to zero in times of difficulty, I can’t just turn my back on what could still turn out to be a great relationship. “If I can just convince them…” or “If I can just get this done…” Bah. I should just go back to zero and start all over.

Surprisingly, and this is something I feel very guilty about, I feel the same way about my mother. As long as there is hope, I’m fine, but now that there’s not, I just want to get it over with because I know it’s going to hit me really hard, and I don’t want to wait to start dealing with it. Of course, I don’t and wouldn’t want to do that to my mother, but somewhere in the back of my mind, a very self-centered part of my personality, filled with warped idea of safety and survival is begging for it. Begging for satisfaction.

Edit: Speaking of running for the hills, here’s a sad bit of depression for you.

[SR] Renraku Arcology: Shutdown

Since my D&D campaign was concluded, I’ve been free to enjoy some gaming while Dennis was leading his campaign. With his absence as he escaped to Paris, Frank has taken over, and my days of RPG leisure are continuing. However, I have been planning and scheming, of course. This process knows several phases, and I just completed phase one; deciding which game it’s going to be. The choices before me were Shadowrun, D&D, Call of Cthulhu or In Nomine. I asked the players which game they wanted me to run next, and there was majority that asked for Shadowrun. My D&D campaign can be picked up and continued, Call of Cthulhu is such a fantastic setting that we can continue that at any one point. In Nomine is a bit different, and I’ve never run it before, but I have a great idea for it, and have had that for the last several years, but it’s going to be quite an achievement that actually get that going. And Shadowrun, well, let me just say that I’ll be happy to get back to that any time, though I’m not sure if I want to get into 4th edition yet. So it seemed obvious; most of the players want it, and I want it, so Shadowrun it’ll be.

The next phase is to decide what to run. The problem with Shadowrun had always been an inconsistent storyline, something I only recently learned how to do properly when I prepared my D&D campaign. Before that it the individual stories didn’t flow properly in my opinion. Sure, there were overarching storylines and a relatively rich setting in terms of locations and NPCs, but it didn’t mesh well. One month I’d be all about Bugs, and the next I’d be all about Harlequin’s Back, and the following I’d plunge headlong into Mob War. And so, I’ve decided to reset everything and perhaps keep a few NPCs I liked and a location or two.

I’ve also been toying with the idea of radically changing metahumanity. I’ve always been a bit bothered by the Tolkienesque part of Shadowrun. I like the mysticism, mind you, but I don’t like the idea of actual elves and trolls in the game, nor the idea of magic being anything less than mysterious and mystical. I’ve been saying the later for years, but the former opinion is new, and I’ve got to give that some more thought. I was thinking of changing it slightly so that orcs and trolls were the product of severe pollution, sort of in the same way that there are mutants in games like Fallout. I recognise that it doesn’t explain dwarves and elves, but perhaps they can be the product of the same. In the end, it wouldn’t change much, except the flavour of the game, moving slightly away from manapunk and more towards cyberpunk. I am looking forward to start with a clean slate. There are definitely things I want to keep from my old games, but it’d be nice to put things aside and start over, simply because, looking back, there are so many things I’d have done differently which caused problems later on. I hope that the players are not going to be too upset by that, and won’t feel the urge to rely on old information too much.

So yeah, back to what to run; I have been thinking about the Renraku Arcology: Shutdown storyline for a long, long time. It’s a bit overwhelming, and it’ll definitely need a lot of changes before it’s runnable, but I want to do it. I’m not (ever-ever!) going to take it as it was published, but between playing Gears of War and BioShock lately, and having played System Shock II two or three times over the last five years, I think I have pretty good idea of what I want to do. I’m not entirely certain on how to start it all, since the true origins of the story starts way-way-way back in the official Shadowrun timeline, but I’ll find a way to gather all the important information and tie it all together.

Emotions

I come from an emotional household, I have emotional parents, an emotional sister, and an emotional family. When I say emotional, I mean to say that they like to show their emotions and will often act upon it. I mean to say that if a person is part rational and emotional, they generally are more emotional than not. Sometimes this is fun, oftentimes it really isn’t, especially in times of conflict, and for some reason, in my family, there always seems to be some sort of conflict or other. They also shout when they’re angry. There are two types of people in this world, those who become hot angry, and those who become cold angry. Hot-angry people are those who explode, they let it all out, they shout and wave their arms around, veins start popping out of their forehead and they use strong language. Cold-angry people are calm and quiet and let it all rage inside of them. The anger that hot-angry people have usually doesn’t last nearly as long as cold-angry people’s anger, probably because they run out of steam quicker. I guess cold-angry people are more efficient with their anger, and don’t blow their top so that they can keep it up longer. Of course, all of this is probably not supported by your local psychologist, but whatever, it supports the point I’m about to make.

I come from an emotional household, and I am an emotional guy. I’m just like the rest of my family, but I hate it. I can’t stand shouting, I can’t stand panicing or losing control and exploding in anger. I used to have a big temper problem when I was very young, but then my sister came along, and she was even worse. She’d cry and scream at the drop of a hat, and I learned to hate it so much that I started to control my temper more and more. It was still there, beneath the surface, but I had several tricks that I could use to keep it at bay. Now, two decades later it’s no different. I really hate it when people panic, and I always do everything in my power to keep myself from panicing and slipping into a hysteria. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate it in myself, and I hate it in others, especially when they seem to not lift a finger to prevent it. I don’t understand how anyone could think that losing control is a great idea and a great problem-solver. I don’t understand why others who have this problem, wouldn’t do exactly as much as I to prevent it. I don’t lose control very often, but when I do, it’s so fucking ugly, I feel like such a loser. I never feel better afterwards. I never feel like I accomplished anything. It’s not like I got; “Oh! Awesome, let me just cross that off my list of things to do for today!”

If I know you do it, it immediately means you have a strike against you. You can be a wonderful person, but if you can’t keep your cool under pressure, you’re going to have to work a little harder to earn my respect. My sister is a good example. She and I got along, well, eh, very poorly because of this, and it’s only been in recent times (read: since my mother’s been ill) that she’s shown the maturity and ability to get it together, and it’s been going a lot better since then. I just don’t have to worry about her breaking down at the slightest incling of trouble or adversity.

Of course, all of this is because I hate that side of myself and is dictated by my own self-loathing.

The Big Lebowski

The Big Lebowski [1998]

Director: Ethan Coen, Joel Coen
Actor: Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Julianne Moore, Steve Buscemi, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Peter Stormare, John Turturro

If there had been a machine that could distill all the cool and awesome out of every cool and awesome thing that has ever happened, ever, I’m sure that some of that pure coolness and awesome ended up in this particular Coen Brothers movie. I must’ve seen this film at least half a dozen times, and it continues to make me laugh as much the last time as it did the first.

The story is about The Dude (Bridges), a lazy, unemployed guy without a care in the world, bowling his time away with his friends Walter (Goodman) and Donnie (Buscemi). He shares his real name, Jeff Lebowski, with an old, rich and vain man who has a young, trophy wife who is an ex-pornstar whose escapades all over town leads her to owe money to known pornographer Jackie Treehorn. Treehorn sends his goons to retrieve the money, but these boneheads shake down the wrong Lebowski; The Dude. In the process, one of them, in an act of fuck-offedness, pisses on The Dude’s rug, ruining it forever. The Dude decides to talk to The Big Lebowski to get compensated for his loss. By the time he does so, Bunny, the ex-pornstar wife of The Big Lebowski, is kidnapped, and Lebowski wants The Dude to help in delivering the ransom money. The Dude gets caught up in a big conspiracy, with feints within feints. Hilarity ensues.

The acting is top-notch. Jeff Bridges usually does these really straight-laced roles, but here draws together every aspect of lazy together in a great, great character. John Goodman plays a tremendously disturbed ‘Nam veteran, obviously intelligent and well-read, but dealing with intense rages. Julianne Moore plays Maude Lebowski, The Big Lebowski’s eccentric daughter, is a bit of a caricature, but one that’s very lovable in her weird way.

The Coen Brothers don’t necessarily have all the best movies, perhaps most of them are pretty good, but for me they’re not all very enjoyable (Oh, Brother… for instance), but they certainly know how to make a movie that falls outside the norm that Hollywood preaches. They make refreshing and exciting films that defy the normal formula, and therefore remain unpredictable.

Rough Times

Things are pretty rough right now and I’m starting to dread the really rough times that are still to come. I think I’ve started to lose my ability to bounce back from disappointments, because it just seems like one disappointment after another. My problems can be categorised into a few general groups;

  • My mother’s ill and is almost certainly dying, and everything that comes with that.
  • My finances are shakey.
  • Relationships that I invested a lot of time in and had a lot riding on are falling apart.
  • Miscellaneous.

This reminds me of something someone once told me, that in general, every problem can be summed up into one of four categories; 1) love-life, 2) family, 3) finances, 4) work. In that sense, I’m glad things at work are stable (although I’m being underpaid). It’s those little things that keep me from drowning. Sometimes I have to quietly remind myself that I’ve got no option but to deal, and that there’s really nobody out there that’s going to lift a finger to help out because they have their own things to deal with. I feel like I have regressed somehow, because I had a very clear understanding of that cold fact up until a little while ago.

Well, there’s a long weekend coming up, and hopefully I’ll get to chill out a bit, do some gaming, and see my mother. Next week we’ll go at it with renewed reluctance. :)

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