Category: Journal

I’m tired. I’m cranky. And I’m perpetually angry. It started…it really started yesterday when I went to pick up the last of my belongings from Villa BvD. It took longer than expected, because I have more stuff than expected. Those of you who know me know that I get nervous around stuff and it will eventually start pissing me off. At the end of the evening, having made five or six trips back and forth to my mother’s house to temporarily store my stuff, I was furious as I still had to leave some stuff behind to be picked up tonight. This morning I was woken an hour earlier than I had intended to wake up, by a phonecall. The person who called had no idea I didn’t want to be called, but once they found out, didn’t gracefully bow out of the conversation and leave me to my peace. I went to sleep late because I was desperately trying to calm down before falling asleep. I went to sleep wrong. I woke up wrong, I slept wrong, I slept little.

This morning was a disaster. Public transport is fucked up for the third day in a row due to a derailment close to central station in Amsterdam. It wasn’t a big derailment or anything, but it has thrown a monkey-wrench into the smooth flow of trains as they tried to repair the damages. Why it has to take more than three days is beyond me.

Getting to work I found that what I was working on yesterday has to be changed again. It’s a little thing, but I’m running on empty. I need time to recuperate, and it’s just not granted to me, and I fear that if I take the time to recuperate, which basically means that I hide from everyone for a few days, that people I leave behind won’t understand and I might upset people and deal with that when I’m rested. It’s been like that for the last few years. I can’t seem to get the rest I need. Certain people in particular are relentless, and won’t let me get the rest I need. I can’t blame them, since they are only putting their own needs before mine, but I have the feeling that if I don’t take what I need I’ll snap soon.

Damn those people who make my life difficult. Damn me for being incapable of dealing. Damn posessions. Damn stuff. I hate it. I hate it!

Shit, this post was supposed to be cathartic as I unloaded my problems here. Now I find myself getting more and more angry again. Sometimes it feels like I’m fighting a fight I can’t win…I was never meant to win.

City-sanitation workers are on strike this week, trying to negotiate a four percent payrise. These people sweep the streets and sidewalks, pick up the trash, and empty the public bins, daily. There is so much garbage just floating around the streets right now, mid-summer, during tourist season, during SAIL, one of the largest events of the year. It’s disgusting. I’m expecting the plague to erupt any time soon.

Wow, this album is good.

The move is now well underway. After cleaning and sanding down all the wood in Penthouse the Baars on saturday, as well as removing the carpet as well as some butt-ugly lightfixtures I am almost ready to start painting. Everything needs to be cleaned, and vaccumed once more, and some damages to the walls need to be taken care of, but then I’ll be set.

It’s taken me some time trying to decide which colours to apply where. I decided the walls will be white (though I might change my mind before I actually start painting) and the wood will be a really deep, dark blue. The same blue of my sofa, for those who are familiar with it. My ceiling will also be white.

I’m really happy with all the help I received from my friends and family. People helped clean and move, and a lot of them have offered to help paint as well. It warms my heart to know that there are people out there willing to help out. People who, when they offer their help, actually are true to their word and do what they promised they would.

I can’t wait until I’m done with the painting, which should be within the next week or so, because then it’s just a matter of having the floor installed as well as my belongings moved into the new apartment.

I moved out of Villa BvD on sunday and most of my belongings are now distributed between my mother’s house, who is also sweet enough to offer me a place to stay until Penthouse the Baars is done, and Richard’s. I decided to leave when the time became nigh when the real estate agent would have to be able to show people in. I didn’t feel comfortable having other people walk through what has essentially been my home for the last five years.

I was only supposed to stay for a couple of months. It ended up being five years.

I just got Deeved by Paul and Jim, who had been out and about in Chicago doing some the drinky-drinky and some of the sneaky-freaky. It was good to hear Paul’s voice, and I don’t remember if I’ve ever been Deeved by him before. Jim was Kool and the Gang, as always. There was also some random drunk chicklet who decided to butt in. Paul ran interference.

“Are you calling, like, another country!? Whooo! Tri Kappa Delta!”

…eh, yeah…everybody else has.