Category: Journal

…and it certainly isn’t going to be me. I haven’t gone through the worst 6 months of my life – with a very, very, very bright spot only recently when I visited my lovely girlfriend in NYC – only to have everything collapse on me even further.

The reason for me saying and thinking this, is because things just keep getting more and more fucked up. From the fact that my car repairs are going to put me even further in debt than I already am, to the fact that I busted my ankle at Kung Fu and I can hardly walk. But wait; joy! Joy! I start my new job tomorrow, though I have no idea how I’m going to manage that with the current state of my ankle.

Car
So I bought this car only a few months ago, and I absolutely love it. Sadly, a couple of days before I were to go to New York, I managed to drive off the road, and crash into a street-light, due to the slippery state the road was in because of ground-frost.

Now, this car cost me a pretty penny, and I’m still paying it off. The car wasn’t insured for this – though I was in the process of insuring it as such – and the costs of repairs are about half of what the car is worth. So now I’m faced with a very difficult dilemma; do I make the repairs, and at least salvage the beautiful car – and it is a beautiful car, mind you – and protect my investment?

I want to try and come up with the money somehow, but first…

…my ankle
So I busted my ankle, I thought it was broken, but luckily it wasn’t. Now, I’ll have to start my new job on monday, which I was looking forward to, but now, I’m not so much looking forward to it, since getting there requires me to walk for about 25 minutes in total, which is fucked up, because I can’t do it.

Now, I’ve got some crutches, so I could probably make it work, but it will hurt like a motherfucker. I’m not sure what to do; a) make a good impression on not chickening out, but jeopardising further injury, or b) ask for a delay and give my foot some proper rest.

There’s not really any choice, is there? Yeah, I’m going to go. I wish I had a choice.

It’s around 6 am here, and I can’t sleep. Mouls is a tremendous blanket and space hog on a mattress, so I’m usually left balancing on the outer edges of her [rather high] bed. She’s cute about it, though, not making any sense if and when she wakes up when I try to push her away in order to make some room before I fall. She snores, too…

…okay. That was weird, she just had a bit of a nightmare. More of the nonsense, asking me where I had “left the note,” or something. Hehe, her subconscious must be a weird place.

Anyhow, I’m in New York City, and I’m spending almost every waking moment with the woman I love most, and I’m loving it. I have been here for only two days, and I have a bit of trouble adjusting to the jetlag, but I’m loving it.

Moulsari lives right off of Union Square, which is more than just a little food for my imagination, and this is literally the heart and soul of New York; brownstones, tenements, honking cars, yellow cabs, dodgy cabs, fast pace, firetrucks and two-tones.

More later.

A lot of shit has happened over the last couple of weeks. I’ll try to capture the most relevant things:

House-mate:
Since a couple of weeks, my good friend Samantha has moved in with me, and so we’re sharing my house. She has a bunch of crap, stuff I would’ve tossed out a long time ago, stuff she doesn’t even use, stuff she’s not even sure what purpose it serves, or what it’s supposed to do. With some gentle massaging I managed to have her toss out a bunch of junk before we moved the contents of her flat, roughly 100 kilometres, to my house…no, wait; our house.

The move went relatively well, no real complications, except that the window of the living room, at the front of the house, had to be removed by carpenters/glass-service people in order for Samantha’s sofa to be carried into the living room. It’s a two seater, but it could seat three, and it’s a sofa-bed to boot, so it’s deep. It’s very comfortable, and it fits well with the two chairs I had in place already.

After shuffling the furniture around for a bit, and after cursing a lot when we found out that the size of the sofa-bed make it very hard to place it anywhere in the room without sucking all the enthusiastic potential out of the room, we finally found a way to position things that wouldn’t let me slip suddenly but comfortably into a frustrated, murderous rage everytime I stepped into the room.

Things have settled down by now, and I’m relatively happy with the move.

Car Crash:
I probably had the worst car-crash I have ever been in only a few weeks ago, and I am happy and surprised to tell you that even though I went off the road, aiming my car for very solid and tall street-lights at about 80 kph, I am fine. My car has suffered a lot of damage to the bottom of it, in particularly the two axles are supposedly bent. The exterior is reasonably alright, but it’s the least of my worries. If too much of the chassis has been bent, it means I can kiss my car goodbye.

*sigh*

I only had it for a couple of months, and it cost me a shitload of money. The repairs are going to backrupt me, I’m sure. So I’m not entirely sure what to do yet.

New Job:
January 13th, I start my new job at OWS Strategical Media Systems as a software developer. I have a very good feeling about this company, since they concentrate on one product, using multiple technologies, and from what I can gather, the people are very nice and enthusiastic about me coming on board.

Sadly, it doesn’t pay quite as well as I had hoped, and I have to admit that since I signed the contract, I turned down an offer for a job that paid a lot more. But, I am silently showing my dedication to this company, since I think it’s a lot better suited for my needs.

Moulsari:
In a few days, I’ll travel to the United States to visit Moulsari. Words cannot express how much I’m looking forward to this. Three weeks of Moulsari, three weeks of New York City, three weeks of bliss.

Even though I wouldn’t trade that for the world, a lot of my friends are visiting a friend of ours in Prague. It fucks me off to no end that I can’t go with them. But, then again, I’ll be in fucking NYC with my baby!

Monetary Situation:
I am so broke.

Other:
There are many, many more things that are going on right now, all of which involve other people, and all of which are emotionally draining. People who are interested enough can send me an email and ask some pointed questions, perhasp I’ll be a bit more forthcoming.

This morning I was on IRC, and Toryu was looking for the movie “Soldier” starring Kurt Russel on Grokster. He had launched a search query and he was listing off all the silly things it returned, including something that caught my interest. There was a supposed execution of a russian soldier among the entries returned…and out of a morbid facination I looked for it. I found it, and downloaded it, expecting to see something like a firing squad or similar.

It was a short movie, maybe 20 or 30 seconds in length…I saw a soldier – only a soldier because he was wearing combat fatigues – pinned with his head to the floor by an armie boot…a hand came from outside the top frame, holding a combat knife, and put the tip of it to the neck of the soldier, right underneath the jaw. The soldier began screaming in protest, and with a bit of pressure, the hand stuck the knife all the way in the neck. You could hear it hit the pebbles on the ground on the other side of the neck. The hand began “sawing” a way through the front of the neck. The soldier was gurgling and grunting.

I was faintly nauseous.

I had a lot of trouble getting it out of my head, and I spent a long time thinking about violence…and how I didn’t understand people. It also made me think of all the violence I had seen myself, and I came to the conclusion that there are some forms of violence that I couldn’t possibly surrender myself to. I can imagine wanting to kill someone, I can imagine killing someone by shooting the person, or pushing the person off a building…

…but something quite that…

Cruel? Unsophisticated? Messy? Primal?

…I can’t get myself to come to terms with. Now, I am not an agressive person at all. I’ve seen too much of it for it not to frighten me, and to realize its total ugliness. I find no beauty in aggression – not violence, mind you – nor can I accept it very well in my entertainment if it is done to realistically. And I remember the “are you able to kill” thread, in which a lot of people – myself included – were very quick to admit their capability to kill, to violence, to agression.

I don’t know exactly what the point of this post is…I guess to share how disturbed I’ve been all day long.

Links:
· The discussion I started
· The movie in question [Warning: Do not watch this at work, or if you have a weak stomach.]

Don’t worry, don’t worry, this is not going to be one of those karmic, leaf-eating, granola topics, but rather a confession. One in which I explain that I find it incredibly difficult to be a vegetarian.

You see, after talking to Moulsari at some length about vegetarianism, I decided that it shouldn’t be that hard to abstain from eating meat, and to see if I could actually do it, I’d give it a shot for a month. That month started August 19th.

Now, let me get one thing straight; I am of the vegetarian pursuasion that eats eggs, drinks milk, uses butter and wears leather shoes. So I’m not a vegan, I just don’t eat meat. Now you can squabble amongst yourselves on what the right kind of vegetarian is [if anyone says “a dead kind of vegetarian” I’ll be very disap*…aw fuck it, I’d laugh!] but the fact still stands that I’m a vanilla icecream vegetarian. Not quite like Cash, but still, not the real thing.

So far, I completely forgot about my abstinence when Eva, Sam and I went for junkfood, and I was sort of forced to eat meat tonight, since the restaurant I was eating at with my father sports two vegetarian dishes, which both suck. So that’s one fuck up, and one convenience fuck up. Not bad, if I do say so myself.