Journal
Entangled
It never ceases to amaze me just how entangled my life has become with certain people. Knowing that I’ve lost them, am in the process of losing them, or will lose them in the future fills me an almost crippling fear.
I’ve always been afraid to be abandoned, to be left or to end up lonely, even though I’m very good at being alone. One of the first dreams I remember having was one in which I was being left by my parents while walking back from school. I can’t have been more than six years old at the time.
It’s been the reason for a lot of my behaviour, both good and bad. I hope people won’t judge me too harshly.
Trust and Grudges
Recently, I found out that one of my friends had been gossiping about me to an aquaintance of mine. They know each other through me, and they’re not close.
The aquaintance was someone I’ve never felt very close to and it was a very one-sided relationship, where she was high maintenance and was dealing with some issues she needed to talk about. I felt compassionate and wanted to help. Since that time she’s been doing much better and has moved on and no longer felt the need to share. Things have been cool and casual since then.
I can’t say that I was surprised that the aquaintance was gossiping. Kind of her thing, I suppose. However, my friend really surprised me. And it hurt. I confronted him almost immediately after hearing it, and he apologised right away, saying that he understood my objection and said he shouldn’t have done it.
It shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. I’ve noticed that he has a hard time relating to anything outside of his own frame of reference. He’s said so on several occassions, when talking about other people we know — people who I’m very close to — where he said he had lost interest in them because his life was so different from theirs. I find it unthinkable, really. People who are different are interesting, and friends whose life moves in a different direction then yours are extra interesting! But to each his own, I suppose.
The subject matter of the gossip suggests that my life may have also veered off in a different direction and that perhaps that’s the reason for the temporary lapse in judgment. To me it doesn’t matter, but obviously to my friend it does. What bothers me is that it has never been a discussion between him and I, but he finds it easy to discuss it with a relative stranger, and a blabbermouth at that.
If he had a problem understanding something about me he could’ve just asked and I would’ve discussed it with him with no equivocations. I could have explained a few things, perhaps give him a frame of reference. Perhaps it would have meant he had retained enough respect for me not to gossip. Perhaps it would’ve happened regardless of his understanding, but at least it would’ve been informed gossip!
Blah blah blah. Water under the bridge, you’d think. It’s been a while ago. But… I’m finding I have trouble letting go of this. A breach of trust I’m having a hard time getting over. My brother is telling me to slowly build up trust and not to trust my friend with sensitive information for now, but I’m wondering whether something hasn’t been broken irreparably.
I think I’m a bit of a grudgebearer. How weird is that. I never knew.
Cain’s “Brown Pride” Tattoo
With the rematch between Junior Dos Santos (JDS) and Cain Velasquez (CV) set for tonight where they will battle for the UFC heavyweight championship, the inevitable story of CV’s “brown pride” tattoo has come up again. He claims the tattoo signifies the struggle and hardship his parents went through in order to provide him with a good life. It honours them and their sacrifices.
Detractors and critics will say that brown pride has the same connotations as white pride and that disallowing one type of bigotry should mean you disallow all types of bigotry.
Personally, I’m very much on the fence about this one. On the one hand, the term “white pride” has been hijacked been hijacked by racist and fascist groups and while I truly cannot comprehend taking pride in a coincidence, or in a concept you had very little to do with overall, it’s true that white pride no longer means the same thing as brown pride does. So if he’s proud about being brown, fine.
On the other hand, brown pride, like white pride or Irish pride or gay pride or Jewish pride, does claim a superiority by one people over another. On top of that, there’s a special intensity of that conviction that comes with applying a permanent mark on your body in the form of a tattoo to signify your pride. I immediately distrust people who so narrowly represent themselves.
The Men Who Don’t Fit In, Robert W. Service
There’s a race of men that don’t fit in,
A race that can’t stay still;So they break the hearts of kith and kin,
And they roam the world at will.They range the field and they rove the flood,
And they climb the mountain’s crest;Theirs is the curse of the gypsy blood,
And they don’t know how to rest.If they just went straight they might go far;
They are strong and brave and true;But they’re always tired of the things that are,
And they want the strange and new.They say: “Could I find my proper groove,
What a deep mark I would make!”So they chop and change, and each fresh move
Is only a fresh mistake.And each forgets, as he strips and runs
With a brilliant, fitful pace,It’s the steady, quiet, plodding ones
Who win in the lifelong race.And each forgets that his youth has fled,
Forgets that his prime is past,Till he stands one day, with a hope that’s dead,
In the glare of the truth at last.He has failed, he has failed; he has missed his chance;
He has just done things by half.Life’s been a jolly good joke on him,
And now is the time to laugh.Ha, ha! He is one of the Legion Lost;
He was never meant to win;He’s a rolling stone, and it’s bred in the bone;
He’s a man who won’t fit in.