journal.wiredreflexes.com

An acquaintance of an acquaintance I know through work had been trying to have a child for a very long time, but sadly it never worked out for him and his wife. So he decided to adopt. During the adoption procedure a miracle happened and his wife became pregnant. They decided to adopt the child anyway, feeling up to raising two children together. The child was born and healthy, but they had to leave it in the care of their parents as they had to pick up their adopted child from its homeland; Haiti. Can you feel the conclusion coming? Yes, they both died on Hiati as the earthquake hit. So not only did they not manage to adopt an orphan and become the kid’s parents, their own child is now an orphan as well. How bloody, bloody ironic and sad.

So now, apparently, I’m a liar. I’m a liar because I have been busy lately – too busy to call or write an e-mail, but I’m not busy enough to pick up a friend from the airport. Yeah, never mind the fact that I was busy because I wanted to pick this friend up from the airport. Never mind the fact that calling or replying to those e-mails drains me of all energy and take up more time than I care to invest consider how I get absolutely nothing out of it except raised expectations, more demands, conversations I don’t want to have and questions I don’t want to answer. Sure, I’m a liar. Fuck you. You’re destroying any possibility of friendship. When was the last time you told any other friend that they were ignoring and neglecting you because you hadn’t spoken to them in a week? When was the last time you told another friend, repeatedly, how disappointed you were with them? When was the last time you questioned the motives, actions and reasoning of any other friend and crossed the boundaries of civility? When was the last time you accused, again, your friend of being a liar without having anything but assumptions and suspicions? And how many of these friends kept returning your calls?

Fuck you. Fuck your dysfunctions. Fuck your “love.” That’s not love, that’s dominion. And don’t pretend like I haven’t told you this before. I’ve been telling you that for years! Even if you read this, which I hope you don’t, I’d be surprised if your response to this would be any sort of self-reflection. Regardless, you need a little self-reflection and if the first words out of your mouth or by your hand are not “I’m sorry,” I don’t ever need to hear from you again.

So, I’ve split this up to make it more overviewable.

Mood.
I still don’t feel right. The lack of proper sleep has been affecting my mood a bit. I don’t seem to have control of my emotions like I used to have. I can’t regulate anymore. I either get angry, or keep it all inside. I can’t let it flow out when the pressure builds like I usually would be able to. Now, its like the floodgates open up. The few times I got angry these weeks I got furious, frothing at the mouth and shaking. The other day it was with my sister, and it was a harmless comment she made, which I overreacted to. I could control myself, more or less, untill I hung up the phone. Afterwards I proceded to shout at the phone in my hand untill my throat got sore. After calming down via gratuitous profanity, slightly, I was able to convey to my brother what had happened and he fixed it.

Dreaming awake.
My dreams have become more elaborate, detailed, nonsensical. I’ve always been a vivid dreamer, but its never really been this interesting. Its rare butsometimes they don’t exactly seem to stop when I wake up. Little things travel with me from the dream-dimension on occasion, sand in my hair or in my shoes, or bugs in my nostrils. (I had a dream that everyone stank, and the only thing I could do was cram two dead flies in my nostrils.) I still know whats real from fake, so theres nothing to worry about. Its just, interested. I see things less, but I hear more.

Voices.
I’ve been hearing voices as you’ve probably read. These only say my name, over and over again, like they’re asking me for my attention. These have grown more strong, sometimes shouting close to my ear. Also, they’ve become more frequent as my visual hallucinations have grown less. Compensation perhaps, maybe its a sort of height of the storm thing. Top of the peak, before I decline into the valley of normal, so to say.

Whatever it is, I feel better, yet worse. I feel different, which is a pleasant turn of events. I’ll keep you updated..

-Robin

.: Moving
So, the move is now pretty much complete. It struck me as interesting to see that even with my compulsive minimalism I had gathered more things than I expected I had. I think it’s in part to do with the fact that Moulsari and I had quite a bit of storage space that you couldn’t see. Out of sight, out of mind. It was easy to put a few things up in our storage area every once in a while and forget how much stuff had been piling up there. Also, I had a few boxes with schoolbooks that I thought might be handy in the future and they went untouched during the three years I lived in that beautiful apartment, so I thought it was time to throw those out as well. So I am once again the owner of even less stuff. I gave a lot of things away, threw things away, and borrowed a few things that I don’t want to get rid of just yet to my brother, like my computer screen. The only two pieces of furniture I owned I donated and loaned to my brother; my desk and my deskchair, respectively. I am now down to two boxes of DVDs, two boxes of books, one box of CDs, one box of administration a box of random things and a baseball bat. Then I’ve got my laptop, a computer and my clothes.

My thanks go out to Moulsari, Ruurd, Robin and Eva for helping me out. Also, I was really glad that my sister was okay with me storing the boxes at her place. At least for now.

The only things that remain is to register at my sister’s, cancel a few subscriptions and notify the different institutions of my change in address. Sounds easier than it is, but whatever, I’m sure that my dentist can do with the wrong address for a little while until I get around to it. :)

.: Eddie Izzard
I already mentioned this in a previous entry, but I went to see Eddie Izzard live on stage in Amsterdam some time ago. It rocked, but what I probably didn’t mention is that he’s been doing quite a few marathons lately. And when I say “quite a few,” I mean that he’s done 43 marathons in 51 days, totalling a stunning 1110 miles. He did it for sportrelief.com. Here’s a great BBC article on his achievement. Last Saturday he was a guest on the Jonathan Ross show where he said that he had to continue doing marathons in order to “cool down,” so that his body wouldn’t crash from the lack of exercise. He was down to two a week now. Isn’t that absolutely nuts? I think it’s an amazing feat.

.: Shadowrun: Corrosion
Shadowrun: Corrosion is coming along well. The character generator has been all but finished and now we’re planning on designing, developing and populating the sprawl with locations. We’re looking at putting up a map of the sprawl with different clickable locations on it. I had found this great Manhattan map taken from the excellent DOS game Bloodnet and I would really want it to be just like that. Sadly, none of us have the graphic or design skills to actually realise a map like that so we’re going to have to find something else. Hopefully, I can manipulate the map in my old Shadowrun section to do what I need it to do. I’ve also looked at 3D Google Maps type stuff, but that is too inflexible and too…ugly to do the job. Also, I’m afraid that such a third-party application is going to slow down the interface to the point of being unworkable. We’ll figure something out.

.: Winter
So it’s winter and I know this because the country has been swallowed up whole by Snowpocalypse, the angry snow god. I don’t think I remember the last time there was snow in December, and definitely not a significant, lasting amount of snow. It’s funny to see people go nuts and the whole country basically closing down due to the snow. We’re not used to it, we weren’t prepared for it, and it’s funny to see the panic spreading needlessly. What I also found cool was to see a whole new economy spring up at the shopping street around the corner from my office. Homeless people were offering their services in removing the snow and ice from the sidewalk to different stores. What a clever way to make a buck, man!

In the mean time I’m wearing leggings underneath my trousers and I’ve considered wearing my rash-guard when things get really cold. It’s working out well and lends credence to the saying that “there’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing.” The only thing that I might need to do soon is get some winter shoes. The only shoes I have that can withstand the snow a little bit are kind of dressy shoes, and they’ve got next to zero grip. I think they might also come in handy when I go to Chicago. “Chicago!?” I hear you say…

.: Chicago
So I’m going to Chicago between Christmas and New Year’s. I had a few days off, had a bit of financial breathing space and Jim couldn’t make it to Amsterdam even though he did everything but threaten the CEO of his company. We decided I should come over to Chicago. Not a bad idea. Initially it looked like it wouldn’t be possible because the tickets were hellishly expensive, until Jim brought the collective weight of his trillion frequent flyer miles to bear and managed to widdle down the price to 70 US dollars, which is krankzinnig. So yeah, I’m departing around noon on Christmas day and I will be spending most of Christmas on an aeroplane, which suits me just fine. Unfortunately, I have a 7 hour lay-over in DC, but hopefully I’ll manage to blag an empty seat on an earlier flight to O’Hare.

.: Fifth Element
I’ve always been fond of the Fifth Element opera bit. Here’s someone who’s done it live, without auto-tuning or processing. Enjoy. :)