journal.wiredreflexes.com

I’ve been living in Hoorn pretty much since I came back from Italy, and it’s been nice being in my mother’s house, with my brother and sister. I’m not sleeping very well, though, but I made promises to a lot of people that I’d finally try and get some rest, so I’m making an effort. My boss has been great, basically telling me that I can come back whenever I’m ready for it, and should I want to work only half days that it would be fine, too. I might just take some time, if only to help my sister get ready by packing up and throwing out. In the meantime, I’ve been neglecting a bunch of people that deserve my attention, and through my mother’s death got reaquainted with some people that deserve my attention as well. Hopefully, the time that I once invested in my mother and her illness can now be put into those people. For now, however, I am enjoying being lazy just a little bit, so I hope that everyone who is waiting for, or expecting a call forgives me tardiness.

Today was the cremation. Even more people showed up than yesterday. I spoke well, I thought, and the whole thing was a beautiful, touching event. I am exhausted. Perhaps I can start living for myself now.

Tonight was my mother’s wake. A lot of people showed up. A lot of people. Massive amounts of flowers were delivered before and brought by people visiting. The room where my mother laid was filled with the deep fragrance of lillies and other flowers. Everyone was emotional, and some completely broke down, which was surprising for some whom I have always considered to be cool cats. They’re still bad ass, but it was good to see they aren’t robots. :) I must have shaken a hundred hands, kissed two hundred different cheeks and comforted a bunch of people. It’s interesting how people continue to feel guilty that I comfort them in their sorrow, as all of them probably had the idea that they would come over to comfort me. I have had some time to mourn, and these people, especially the ones who continue to stuff their feelings deep inside, are suddenly confronted with the reality of her passing and all the emotions suddenly well up inside of them. Some people cried in my arms because of my mother, but some of them cried in my arms because of me, because they sympathise with me and how much I had to endure through all of this.

I’m so tired that I’m not entirely sure I’m making a whole hell of a lot of sense here, but I’m so sleep deprived I’m seeing cross-eyed. One more day, one more day and one more speech…then I get some rest.

Interesting; a bunch of kung fu people showed up, courtesy of Marloes, which was great. I was eye to eye with Sven, which was cool, too, because I hadn’t seen him in fifteen odd years, give or take. And it was great to see Wai again. We had spoken a few days ago, which was fantastic, and seeing him again was good, too.

Eva was great, and always touches me so deeply. Sam was there, which was awesome. Frank was there, which I deeply appreciate – he’s such an awesome guy. Mouls was great. Kim unloaded her thoughts, emotions and feelings onto me, which I appreciated. Tony showed a side of himself I hadn’t seen before, which gives him so much more definition than I realised before. I got a great hug from the Master Hugger; Uncle Rob. I also got a great hug from Sandra and Sam.

All in all, this evening was exhausting and amazing, and it’s hard to focus on one particular person or event for very long without my brain refocussing on something equally impressive, significant or touching. And the actual cremation still needs to happen! I feel I didn’t have enough time to spend with everyone. Some people deserved more of my attention, like Mike, and my grandmother, but sadly I couldn’t be in two conversations at once. If I could, I would.

I had to have a hard conversation with someone who wasn’t invited – who had been explicitely asked not to come, which I thought I handled very well, but I’m not sure if the message sunk in. If she shows up tomorrow I’m going to have to get ugly, which I don’t want to, but will have to do.

Someone who didn’t know my mother asked me if I wanted them to be there, and I said I didn’t. I shouldn’t have done that. They might not know my mother, but there were plenty of people there who were simply there to support me, or one of my siblings, and I should really try to remember that it’s okay to accept help or support.

Anyway, gotta go. I still have a speech to write and perhaps a couple of hours of sleep to catch.

It’s quite unbelievable how many disappointments we’ve run into trying to arrange for my mother’s cremation, all as a result of one mistake made in Italy and the subsequent transport of my mother’s body to the Netherlands. It’s frustrating that because of that mistake we can’t turn her cremation into what she wanted it to be.

In the meantime, I’ve missed Dennis II, Jim, Gay Pride and my Warcraft guild’s guildmeeting in Amsterdam. I don’t regret that, but it’s unfortunate.

My brother, sister and I are busy preparing everything for my mother’s cremation. It’s going well, the hardest part is finding people who have the stones to say something at her funeral. Naturally, I will do it (“As long as I have to.”) and my cousin Kim wanted to recite something she found very relevant. With my father’s funeral, his best friend spoke as well, and he’s a writer, poet and Dutch teacher, so he knows how to do that really well. I wish there was someone like that now, too.

The hardest part, personally, is talking to everyone we are inviting. We took the same approach as last year, by bringing the invitations/mourning cards personally. It means you have the same conversation a lot, and because I was with her in Italy they kind of look to me for the details, but I find myself a little reluctant to share them. Not because I’m greedy, but because the last few hours were kind of hard. Well, really hard and not something I think she’d tell to others. See, my mother had a tendency to hide her pain and suffering.

I don’t know. I have a tendency to fall silent a lot lately.