journal.wiredreflexes.com

This morning, at around 7:30 or so, there was a thunderclap right in front of my house that was so loud it shook the entire building. It was really close, and I saw the ball of lightning, which was strangely red glowing, right through my eyelids. It was like a bomb exploding.

Edit: Turns out that the explosion was lightning impacting in a chimney of an old factory not too far from my apartment. I can see the chimney from my window and it looks half demolished. A hundred or so houses have been evacuated, but luckily I’m still allowed to stay in mine.

It surprises me more and more how few people are really interested in me as a person, what I think and how I feel, than they are in getting me to fulfill a predetermined role they have cut out for me, getting whatever convenience they can get from me, or even blatantly asking me to do them favours without as much as a thank you in return. I’m beginning to reevaluate every relationship I’ve ever maintained and I am starting to wonder whether or not I’ve been taken for a ride. Lately, and you can check my journal for similar things I’ve said in the past, I feel like every other person I talk to either wants something from me, or is disappointed because I didn’t do something for them. It’s getting to the point where I’m seriously considering just telling everyone to fuck off. Friends, family, loved ones, everyone.

All I seem to get nowadays is sympathy, but no genuine understanding, and sympathy only lasts so long. I can’t turn my arse lately without angering or offending someone because I’m disappointing them, don’t live up to their expectations or not delivering on an unspoken promise I made to them. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I start to expect a few things as well as time goes by, but I don’t bail when it gets tough, or click the mute button as soon as someone wants to open up to me, and I definitely don’t get angry if and when someone doesn’t fulfill my expectations. I used to have super-high expectations of everyone around me, but somehow I managed to calm down a bit – perhaps due to disappointment – and learned not to expect to much. Perhaps I’m jaded, but I think my way works a lot better than constantly being disappointed or constantly riding someone for not coming through.

I’m becoming more and more sure of what I don’t want in my life, and with that certainty comes a certain measure of willingness to sacrifice. It’s taken me a long time to get here, and the process hasn’t always been easy or without its pain and punishment, but I’m finally getting to the point where I’ll turn around and walk away from those that continue to do me harm. I don’t need much to keep my happy, not anymore, but some understanding goes a long way. If you understand why I do things because you let me speak my mind and accept me for who I am and my ideas for what they are, then you have a friend for life. If you do it half-heartedly, and you find yourself getting frustrated that you’re not getting what you want even though I have explained myself, then we’re going to have to part ways, because you simply don’t like me very much and I’m tired of being misunderstood.

For the last three nights I’ve been having a recurring bad dream. The first night I woke up terrified, but with each consecutive night my response to it has lessened, allowing me to remember more of it instead of just trembling and crying as a result. The dream is always the same, with no variation; my mother and I are on holiday, and we’ve decided to take a boat trip. During the trip my mother falls off the back of the boat, unnoticed by anyone. I immediately jump in after her and help her stay afloat as the boat disappears. (I’m not sure if the boat just sails away or is simply gone by the time I grab her.) I tread water keeping her and myself afloat. After a few minutes we realise nobody is coming for us and my mother panics. She tells me we should swim to shore (although which direction is anyone’s guess) and as we do so I notice she’s too weak to swim, and so I try to swim for the both of us. She’s still panicking and I can’t swim that way, so I go back to treading water, talking to her, trying to calm her down. I’m getting tired and she notices. She starts telling me to let go, that she’s ill and will die anyway and that I should save myself. I try to tell her that it won’t be necessary, but she’s trying to get away from me. I struggle with her, trying to keep her from leaving and sinking beneath the surface. I’m tired and eventually we both sink.

So it was my birthday on wednesday, and I knew something was up because everyone was trying to be suave … too suave. Because people always think that you should have to surprise someone with a gift, indicating to me that they think it’s all about the surprise while I think it’s all about the gift, I started prodding, dropping some phrases here and there meant to upset people. I turned into my own agent provocateur. Slowly but surely I started to uncover the conspiracy, which ran deep … very deep. I admit that the conspiritors had me confused, because I had already gotten a gift; two tickets to last night’s Massive Attack concert (more on that later), but when Cathelijne called to wish me a happy birthday and ask how I liked the gift, she acted rather surprised when I told her I was looking forward to the concert. That wasn’t the gift she was talking about! There was going to be another gift, and Cathelijne was in the conpiracy but too nice to decieve me like the others, bless her heart! My mother and sister had been acting strange as well, so I suspected they were in on it. When I asked, my mother tried to act as if the surprise birthday cake (complete with 30 candles) was the thing that they had been planning behind my back, but it was a weak lie, and it showed me that her condition was affecting her in ways that would’ve never happened in the past. I had found another crack in the defenses of the conspiracy, so I chopped down one leg and leaned on it. I decided to step up my research, putting my mother and sister up against one another. Pretty soon I had all the information I needed. When I got home later that night I found waiting for me what I had already suspected would be there …

I want to thank everyone who participated in getting me this gift. It’s wonderful, and it looks even better in person than it did when I first found it online. I was amazed at the timeliness of the gift, since usually a collaborate gift takes a lot of time to set up (*cough*Dennis*cough*), which just goes to show how deep the deception in my circle of friends, family and co-workers ran. ;)

Daelrine: Well anyway, I see a lot of people complaining that prices of primals and services went up, but in my opinion a lot of products are actually underpriced if we analyse how much money is being pumped into our local economy from “free gold” dailies or badges.
Jelynfein: I agree completely.
Jelynfein: I wish I wasn’t walking around with 14k gold to be honest. It kind of ruins the thrill of the purchase.
Flippleaf: It was never like that at 60.
Daelrine: It’s good for hybrid classes, I can now easily afford all kinds of gear sets I want to have, otherwise you’re quite right.
Daelrine: Dailies are like printing new notes and adding them to the money supply pool.
Jelynfein: Inflation!
Jelynfein: WoW is like the U.S. economy.
Jelynfein: Haris Pilton is like the federal reserve, hahahaha!
Daelrine: Yeah, Haris Pilton is a response to this, people have too much cash now.
Naamah: Some people have too much cash, but there are plenty of others who never seem to have any. Hehe.
Ravenmist: You will need it in WotLK.
Daelrine: It will either discourage people to farm stuff, like primals, or drive the prices up.
Daelrine: The difference between WoW and the US Economy is that US officials cannot simply add next 10 levels to sort things out.
Jelyfein: Sure they can; heighten the retirement age! :D
Ravenmist: You guys need girlfriends.