Tag: Friendships

Trust and Grudges

Recently, I found out that one of my friends had been gossiping about me to an aquaintance of mine. They know each other through me, and they’re not close.

The aquaintance was someone I’ve never felt very close to and it was a very one-sided relationship, where she was high maintenance and was dealing with some issues she needed to talk about. I felt compassionate and wanted to help. Since that time she’s been doing much better and has moved on and no longer felt the need to share. Things have been cool and casual since then.

I can’t say that I was surprised that the aquaintance was gossiping. Kind of her thing, I suppose. However, my friend really surprised me. And it hurt. I confronted him almost immediately after hearing it, and he apologised right away, saying that he understood my objection and said he shouldn’t have done it.

It shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. I’ve noticed that he has a hard time relating to anything outside of his own frame of reference. He’s said so on several occassions, when talking about other people we know — people who I’m very close to — where he said he had lost interest in them because his life was so different from theirs. I find it unthinkable, really. People who are different are interesting, and friends whose life moves in a different direction then yours are extra interesting! But to each his own, I suppose.

The subject matter of the gossip suggests that my life may have also veered off in a different direction and that perhaps that’s the reason for the temporary lapse in judgment. To me it doesn’t matter, but obviously to my friend it does. What bothers me is that it has never been a discussion between him and I, but he finds it easy to discuss it with a relative stranger, and a blabbermouth at that.

If he had a problem understanding something about me he could’ve just asked and I would’ve discussed it with him with no equivocations. I could have explained a few things, perhaps give him a frame of reference. Perhaps it would have meant he had retained enough respect for me not to gossip. Perhaps it would’ve happened regardless of his understanding, but at least it would’ve been informed gossip!

Blah blah blah. Water under the bridge, you’d think. It’s been a while ago. But… I’m finding I have trouble letting go of this. A breach of trust I’m having a hard time getting over. My brother is telling me to slowly build up trust and not to trust my friend with sensitive information for now, but I’m wondering whether something hasn’t been broken irreparably.

I think I’m a bit of a grudgebearer. How weird is that. I never knew.