I’m tired. I’m cranky. And I’m perpetually angry. It started…it really started yesterday when I went to pick up the last of my belongings from Villa BvD. It took longer than expected, because I have more stuff than expected. Those of you who know me know that I get nervous around stuff and it will eventually start pissing me off. At the end of the evening, having made five or six trips back and forth to my mother’s house to temporarily store my stuff, I was furious as I still had to leave some stuff behind to be picked up tonight. This morning I was woken an hour earlier than I had intended to wake up, by a phonecall. The person who called had no idea I didn’t want to be called, but once they found out, didn’t gracefully bow out of the conversation and leave me to my peace. I went to sleep late because I was desperately trying to calm down before falling asleep. I went to sleep wrong. I woke up wrong, I slept wrong, I slept little.
This morning was a disaster. Public transport is fucked up for the third day in a row due to a derailment close to central station in Amsterdam. It wasn’t a big derailment or anything, but it has thrown a monkey-wrench into the smooth flow of trains as they tried to repair the damages. Why it has to take more than three days is beyond me.
Getting to work I found that what I was working on yesterday has to be changed again. It’s a little thing, but I’m running on empty. I need time to recuperate, and it’s just not granted to me, and I fear that if I take the time to recuperate, which basically means that I hide from everyone for a few days, that people I leave behind won’t understand and I might upset people and deal with that when I’m rested. It’s been like that for the last few years. I can’t seem to get the rest I need. Certain people in particular are relentless, and won’t let me get the rest I need. I can’t blame them, since they are only putting their own needs before mine, but I have the feeling that if I don’t take what I need I’ll snap soon.
Damn those people who make my life difficult. Damn me for being incapable of dealing. Damn posessions. Damn stuff. I hate it. I hate it!
Shit, this post was supposed to be cathartic as I unloaded my problems here. Now I find myself getting more and more angry again. Sometimes it feels like I’m fighting a fight I can’t win…I was never meant to win.
Hang in there, man. Things will quiet down eventually. Everything will look a whole lot better when you can finally move into the new appartment. Just gotta bear down and take it for a little while longer.
Moving is not easy. It’s especially hard during that living-between-places time, and the longer that time is, the harder and more frustrating it gets. But like Mark said, as soon as you’re moved in, and have things set up a little bit, you’ll be so much happier. Case in point: Me, two months ago compared to me, now.
Just hold on, we’re all here to do what we can to help.
*kusje*
My hart.. ..goes out to ya man. And i feel guilty because ” I can’t seem to get the rest I need. Certain people in particular are relentless, and won’t let me get the rest I need. I can’t blame them, since they are only putting their own needs before mine..” looks like i’m one of those particular people. I come to your house frequently and it often ends up around 12 o’clock. Sorry for that if i keep you awake
Tranqulity too you bro!
keep you head up heya,…
I know ,you think can I trust this Dancer ,…but let me tell you this…I lived a long ( wel verry long) time at my moms place and it became verry messy with al my stuff and needs , hard words felt etc etc . So at last I moved out .And for the first time I have peace in my live ( well if I don’t count the bills )
So my advise , listen to your 3 friends ,they sound like some good guy’s , and remember you don’t have to fight live ,…but accept it …en more try to enjoy it
hope you will laugh soon again !
Winning See, you won today, didn’t you! You paid so much less for your flooring than you expected! I think that’s awesome! :)
“Most shittiest floor I could ever buy” i heard him say once, or twice