So I visited my father yesterday, and he’s completely yellow, due to the fact that his liver died on him. There are some more complications regarding his galbladder, but all in all it’s not looking good. They haven’t decided a course of action yet, but they should by the end of the week. When I came in he was a little bitter and down about things, but I quickly figured out why; someone was coming to put an IV in his arm, which isn’t so easy with my father. He was nervous and reacted a little bit grumpy. By the time that was over and done with, and we got to talk a little he loosened up. By the time I said goodbye we had been joking and laughing and everything was Kool and the Gang.
I talked to Eva about things on the way back, and apparently, she had discussed things with her mother. The conclusion was that while some of my burden was self-inflicted, I had a disproportionate amount of it to bear, and that it’s always something. I never really looked at it that way, but I guess I have been hit by a spell of bad luck for as long as I can remember. Not that I’m not happy, and that I don’t thrive, and achieve goals, and laugh, and have fantastic friends, but there’s always some sort of hardship to endure. I wonder how it has changed me. I know that I’m a little more stoic than I probably should be, but I wonder what I would look like if I had an easier life. Probably less compassionate, I would say. My compassion has grown a lot over the last fifteen years or so.
I think that throughout the ordeal (for lack of a better word) of both my parents falling ill, I think my stoicism has helped me deal with the immediate things quite well. But it has also prevented me from processing the implications of what is happening, and the consequences of the very real chance of a not-so-happy-ending. I think I’m still in the infamous denial phase, though I’m not acting like nothing’s going on. I’m reading up and arranging for euthanasia declarations because both my parents have very well-defined wishes regarding that. (It’s best to get it out of the way. It can only prevent hassle when the time comes.) But I’m doing all of this on borrowed time. My stoicism takes a lot of effort, and my energy to keep it up is finite. Once it depleted I’ll be forced to deal with things on a more emotional level. I’ll have to play catch-up, doing all the processing that I should’ve done earlier, and I won’t have the mental fortitude to do that, since I already spent all my energy remaining pragmatic and stoic.
So one of three things could happen. A) I could turn out to be lucky, and everything will be alright, and I won’t have to deal with anything. This option has my preference. B) I will turn out to be stronger than I think I am, dealing very well either through stoicism or supreme emotional maturity. Yeah right. Or C) I will fall apart for a little while. I’m not really looking forward to that.
So far so good, however. Chin up.
