Journal

Because my mother doesn’t have the energy to walk 30 feet, let alone do anything remotely strenuous, we can only do one thing a day. Today, we went down to the cemetery down the hill. It’s about two or three miles, all downhill, some bits relatively steep. The way back up was interesting, and a great excercise. My mother doesn’t weigh much of anything any longer, but having to push her up the hill in a wheelchair is something else. It got my heartrate up, made me sweat, and left me with a great calf-burn. It got rid of some of my frustration, which was good.

My mother’s condition is going downhill. If it doesn’t get any better, or at least stabalises, I’m going to go home early.

I cannot describe how hard it is to be responsible for someone else, fully and with no equivocations. I cannot describe the pain of the frustration I feel at seeing her in pain and not being able to do anything about it. I proudly push her wheelchair round, clean up after her, help her up the stairs, make sure she gets her medication, and wake up every hour during the night to make sure she’s still alright. But it’s so fucking hard, I have a renewed respect and understanding for all my sister does.

I need to go out for a run, punch something, shout or destroy something to release all of this inside of me, but I can’t let her see it, otherwise she feels even worse, and I can’t let her out of my sight, neither. When I get back to .nl I’m going to lock myself away for a while in order to decompress.

Yesterday wasn’t such a great day for me. I’ve got high hopes for today, however. After a rocky start trying to get up at daybreak to go swimming, this day is shaping up nicely. Tonight Jim will be in town again, but sadly I won’t see much of him since I have a lot of running around to do tomorrow before leaving for Italy. Que sera.

This morning, at around 7:30 or so, there was a thunderclap right in front of my house that was so loud it shook the entire building. It was really close, and I saw the ball of lightning, which was strangely red glowing, right through my eyelids. It was like a bomb exploding.

Edit: Turns out that the explosion was lightning impacting in a chimney of an old factory not too far from my apartment. I can see the chimney from my window and it looks half demolished. A hundred or so houses have been evacuated, but luckily I’m still allowed to stay in mine.

It surprises me more and more how few people are really interested in me as a person, what I think and how I feel, than they are in getting me to fulfill a predetermined role they have cut out for me, getting whatever convenience they can get from me, or even blatantly asking me to do them favours without as much as a thank you in return. I’m beginning to reevaluate every relationship I’ve ever maintained and I am starting to wonder whether or not I’ve been taken for a ride. Lately, and you can check my journal for similar things I’ve said in the past, I feel like every other person I talk to either wants something from me, or is disappointed because I didn’t do something for them. It’s getting to the point where I’m seriously considering just telling everyone to fuck off. Friends, family, loved ones, everyone.

All I seem to get nowadays is sympathy, but no genuine understanding, and sympathy only lasts so long. I can’t turn my arse lately without angering or offending someone because I’m disappointing them, don’t live up to their expectations or not delivering on an unspoken promise I made to them. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I start to expect a few things as well as time goes by, but I don’t bail when it gets tough, or click the mute button as soon as someone wants to open up to me, and I definitely don’t get angry if and when someone doesn’t fulfill my expectations. I used to have super-high expectations of everyone around me, but somehow I managed to calm down a bit – perhaps due to disappointment – and learned not to expect to much. Perhaps I’m jaded, but I think my way works a lot better than constantly being disappointed or constantly riding someone for not coming through.

I’m becoming more and more sure of what I don’t want in my life, and with that certainty comes a certain measure of willingness to sacrifice. It’s taken me a long time to get here, and the process hasn’t always been easy or without its pain and punishment, but I’m finally getting to the point where I’ll turn around and walk away from those that continue to do me harm. I don’t need much to keep my happy, not anymore, but some understanding goes a long way. If you understand why I do things because you let me speak my mind and accept me for who I am and my ideas for what they are, then you have a friend for life. If you do it half-heartedly, and you find yourself getting frustrated that you’re not getting what you want even though I have explained myself, then we’re going to have to part ways, because you simply don’t like me very much and I’m tired of being misunderstood.