journal.wiredreflexes.com

Oh, how I am conflicted between my habits, how I’ve been raised, what my urges tell me to achieve and attain, and what I think is right, ethically. How can I eat far beyond the level of nutritional satisfaction, while other people starve?

You know, I have a cool mom, but check out post 3 and 5 here. How cool is your mom, then. Aparently, Brion is becoming quite a celebrity, not quite as famous as Leroy Jenkins, but he’s getting there. Case in point;

I’m tired. I’m cranky. And I’m perpetually angry. It started…it really started yesterday when I went to pick up the last of my belongings from Villa BvD. It took longer than expected, because I have more stuff than expected. Those of you who know me know that I get nervous around stuff and it will eventually start pissing me off. At the end of the evening, having made five or six trips back and forth to my mother’s house to temporarily store my stuff, I was furious as I still had to leave some stuff behind to be picked up tonight. This morning I was woken an hour earlier than I had intended to wake up, by a phonecall. The person who called had no idea I didn’t want to be called, but once they found out, didn’t gracefully bow out of the conversation and leave me to my peace. I went to sleep late because I was desperately trying to calm down before falling asleep. I went to sleep wrong. I woke up wrong, I slept wrong, I slept little.

This morning was a disaster. Public transport is fucked up for the third day in a row due to a derailment close to central station in Amsterdam. It wasn’t a big derailment or anything, but it has thrown a monkey-wrench into the smooth flow of trains as they tried to repair the damages. Why it has to take more than three days is beyond me.

Getting to work I found that what I was working on yesterday has to be changed again. It’s a little thing, but I’m running on empty. I need time to recuperate, and it’s just not granted to me, and I fear that if I take the time to recuperate, which basically means that I hide from everyone for a few days, that people I leave behind won’t understand and I might upset people and deal with that when I’m rested. It’s been like that for the last few years. I can’t seem to get the rest I need. Certain people in particular are relentless, and won’t let me get the rest I need. I can’t blame them, since they are only putting their own needs before mine, but I have the feeling that if I don’t take what I need I’ll snap soon.

Damn those people who make my life difficult. Damn me for being incapable of dealing. Damn posessions. Damn stuff. I hate it. I hate it!

Shit, this post was supposed to be cathartic as I unloaded my problems here. Now I find myself getting more and more angry again. Sometimes it feels like I’m fighting a fight I can’t win…I was never meant to win.

City-sanitation workers are on strike this week, trying to negotiate a four percent payrise. These people sweep the streets and sidewalks, pick up the trash, and empty the public bins, daily. There is so much garbage just floating around the streets right now, mid-summer, during tourist season, during SAIL, one of the largest events of the year. It’s disgusting. I’m expecting the plague to erupt any time soon.

Wow, this album is good.