Category: Journal

My love is growing and I can hear the ice crack beneath my feet. One of these days I’ll overstep the boundaries that have been set up. But what do you do when you cry with every smile?

Insecurity is what keeps me in check. The terror of breaking something valuable in order to gain something of even more value is what keeps me docile.

So much wasted time if I can have what I want. So foolish if I can’t.

Is it wrong when I am starting to feel a kinship to L.J. Washington?

You are all in my head.

You people don’t exist until I meet you. Until I verify your existence. This is usually not such a bad thing, seeing as how most people you come across online are like most people you come across in the really real world; sub humans. I don’t like to meet sub humans and thus have no curiosity to satisfy. But sometimes I stumble across some very interesting individuals online…and they leave me in awe and wonder.

I am a very physical person, or at least I consider myself to be. Not only do I enjoy physical contact, I like watching people that I like; how they move, how they carry themselves, how they talk, how the work and how they play. I have an almost irrepressible urge to meet these people, to find out who they really are. To find out what this terrible medium has kept hidden from me…

…and I do. I spend insane amounts of money travelling across the globe to meet certain individuals I’ve met online. Most notably; Erik, Claus, Josh, Jan, Jeff, Megan, Adam, George, Caz, Thorn…

I would like all of you to know that I mean no disrespect when I say that I consider you unreal people, and I don’t consider your well-wishings, hugs, kisses and whatnots to be pointless…but since I care much for my friends, and have picked up some nice trust-issues since child-hood, I have to verify you before I allow you into myself. I have to consider you unreal people until you are verified because I don’t want to feel as much as I do for some of you without having met you…my careful and suspicious nature won’t allow it.

Your hugs and wuffles are appreciated, but they just emphasize the distance and the lack of a true bond.

Recently I’ve met certain people online, that have become very close in a hurry. It’s very gratifying to realize that you can transcend distance and cultural barriers in order to set up friendships…but sometimes that nagging feeling throws me off, and I have to back off. I can’t commit myself completely to a friendship like I do in real life. I can’t be as passionate about as I can in real life. My careful and suspicious nature won’t allow it.

I want to ask someone of you, and you know who you are, to be patient with me until we’ve met.

Welcome to my world;

I have, currently, one Portugese, two Americans, two Danish, one British and one other Dutch person sleeping over at my house. Normally I have someone come in once a week to clean my house, but since my entire living room is one large bed at the moment, and my guests are trying very hard to remain drunk throughout their entire stay while maintaining an air of cultural sophistication by visiting musea and such. The latter is a terribly nice experience, people are either giggling like young schoolgirls getting condoms handed out in biology class, or they’re clutching their head in anguish, pain and suffering like a heroin addict trying to get by on their daily dose of government funded methadon distribution.

During all of this, I am trying to get by on 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night, and working a full workday the next day. You see, with the introduction of the Euro on a couple of days from now, certain things I work on need to be upgraded, maintained and regulated rather strictly. This means no vacation for poor ole me. It sucks.

Last night our little group of people stumbled into my house after a few hours of powerdrinking. We didn’t have all that much time as we left my house at 1:00 am to have “a small beer” at a local pub. Determined to get completely hammered, one of my friends went from 0 to 60 in 0.037 seconds and most of them joined in rather quickly. So by the time we got home it was about 3:30 am and two of them decided to raid my fridge of it’s alcoholic beverages. My fridge held a couple of cans of Guinness which they quite aptly killed in a matter of minutes. When I pulled out a bottle of Bacardi that I still had laying around for emergencies just like this one; I was received like the fucking messiah, complete with chanting and everything. It was about 4:30 am when I went to bed…I woke up at 8:00 am to go to work again.

Ugh.

…at least I had a bunch of fun! :)

My christmas was an odd one this year. My christmas celebrations have always been odd ones, come to think of it. From a very early age I used to work in chinese restaurants, and christmas and new years were usually reserved for working and copious amounts of fireworks.

Around the time I stopped doing that – when I was 17 or so – Eva came into my life. For the uninitiated; Eva was my girlfriend for 4 years or so, and is now one of my best friends. Since the Netherlands celebrates two christmas days, we’d equally split the days among the two sets of parents, and everything was good. Those must have been the most normal christmas days I’ve ever spent.

A couple of years ago, my friend Marco decided he’d try his luck working for Dell Computer Corporation in Texas. He had a house here, and since we are good friends, he let me live in his house. He visits about once or twice a year for about two weeks or so, and usually he returns here around Christmas. Last year he came back a bit before Christmas, and I returned with him to Texas to celebrate Christmas with him there, together with his lovely girlfriend Clarissa.

That Christmas was…uhm…interesting. Clarissa comes from a very large Mexican family, and they had decided to gather in a church somewhere in Bumblefuck Texas; and we were all invited. So there I was, surrounded by about 150 Americans of hispanic decent, having a wonderful time celebrating Christmas.

This year, we thought it would be nifty to turn it around; this time Marco would come here, and we’d celebrate Christmas at my mother’s house. Marco had decided to take two of his colleagues along, one of which I had met before; David, and one of which I didn’t know yet; Mike. The three of them have made me miss a lot of sleep the past few days as I’ve been dragging them around Amsterdam.

So this year, while first Christmas day was spent with my father and his new girlfriend, I spent second Christmas day with Marco, Mike, David and of course Eva and Samantha at my mother’s house. My mother had invited a couple of people over as well [Family…don’t it just suck?], which was interesting, and we engaged in a debauchery of food, alcohol and interesting – and sometimes shocking – conversation.

One of the highlights of the evening was talking to Crazy Elf on the phone; yes, that’s right…I’m one of the few people that has gotten a step closer to uncovering the truth of that little Aussie Clown. He had decided to ring as he wanted to have as many bulldrekkers in one place so he could speak to as many as he could in one go. Sadly enough Van Der Litreb [a.k.a. VDL, a.k.a. Veed, a.k.a. Claus] and his sister had other priorities so they wouldn’t be able to make our Christmas dinner, and they’ll be arrive…*watches the clock*…in about 7 hours.

That’s right; tonight there will be two Americans [Mike, David], one Portugese [Marco] and two Danish people [Claus and his sister] sleeping over in my house. With a little luck Samantha will decide to stay over, which will crank up the amount of different nationalities to 5, since she’s British.

Meanwhile, I still have to work, and I’m trying to keep up with the drinking habits of Marco and David…so I need some serious sleep; recovery time.