Joasia and I are currently spending the day with her mother and her mother’s friend. Both are older and are peppering is with useless information. I don’t understand either of them so Joasia is taking the brunt of the annoyance. Looking at her deal with it is interesting since I will never know the privilege of getting annoyed at my mother or rolling my eyes at her insistence of sharing silly info with me. It makes me envious and sad.
This evening I woke up at 4:00 and felt like I was done sleeping. I played around on my phone for about an hour before falling back asleep. That’s when the nutty dreams started.
I had a dream within a dream, but I didn’t realise it. I was dreaming about something really sad and I was crying. I was afraid of waking up Joasia, so I woke up. When I saw that she wasn’t stirring, I was wondering what had made me so sad. And then I really woke up. (Or did I!?) I fell back asleep for another hour, and then I woke up again because I was once again overcome with sadness.
Sometimes I get caught off guard by the memory of hearing you cry. It’s heart wrenching the way you’re sobbing and the frustration I feel at being unable to help you. Just thinking about those moments fills me with a restless frustration so intense it’s as if it’s happening to me again. After everything you’ve done for me I want to take away what’s troubling you, for me to be your superhero instead of the other way around. And then I realise I can’t be your superhero anymore, I can’t help you anymore, I won’t be able to be the person I want to be and my frustration is replaced by self pity and sadness as heart wrenching as your sobbing once was.