Sometimes I get caught off guard by the memory of hearing you cry. It’s heart wrenching the way you’re sobbing and the frustration I feel at being unable to help you. Just thinking about those moments fills me with a restless frustration so intense it’s as if it’s happening to me again. After everything you’ve done for me I want to take away what’s troubling you, for me to be your superhero instead of the other way around. And then I realise I can’t be your superhero anymore, I can’t help you anymore, I won’t be able to be the person I want to be and my frustration is replaced by self pity and sadness as heart wrenching as your sobbing once was.
It never ceases to amaze me just how entangled my life has become with certain people. Knowing that I’ve lost them, am in the process of losing them, or will lose them in the future fills me an almost crippling fear.
I’ve always been afraid to be abandoned, to be left or to end up lonely, even though I’m very good at being alone. One of the first dreams I remember having was one in which I was being left by my parents while walking back from school. I can’t have been more than six years old at the time.
It’s been the reason for a lot of my behaviour, both good and bad. I hope people won’t judge me too harshly.
I love my father. He was so cool.